25 March 2009

Tis A Cold Cruel World/TJ Tribute Pt. 2/Message To Selena MacArthur From Her Father

I should not be sitting here writing right now. I should be at a very important hearing. As a newly selected senior executive of a a new, but very powerful organization, on my first day, my presence was already desired to give testimony before the government of the State of Maryland.

Well, right now, I am not there, I remain here. For now, to compose my thoughts, before they, like I one day will eventually be; gone forever. This morning I received news of the passing away of TJ Roberts. You can check my last entry for more on that, but I wanted to be open with you and share a bit more of my inner thoughts and turmoil. If I ramble, you must forgive me, for in times like these, brevity, rationality and logic are not things one should presume is possessed by a writer. With that, I continue;

Understanding how TJ died. How he was at peace even before it happend. How he had faith and trusted it all in God's hands, never imagining his demise was waiting just around the corner. For me, this has caused my complete unravelling. It's not the TJ was so closed to me, but it's what his being and his passing represents to me.

Strangely, in the ongoing strange twisted saga that for several decades has been my life, Stacey Brown (forgive me Stacey) shared with me further insight on how TJ touched me earlier than I even knew. You see, I thought the first time I met TJ was at High Toppes, but little did I know, I met him quite a while before that. Not only did I meet him, but he made me life, and truly my day was brightened by our encounter. Thing is, at that time, when we first met, I didn't know who he was. Just another guy, being goofy, giving me a good laugh.

When Stacey reminded me of the event, it took me no time to instantly recall. In my life, as I've so often said before, I have had truly a strange trip. Although many still doubt, or think I lie or make up the events that I've experienced, today I won't even address that.

I've been around, worked for, or met all sorts. From presidents, to kings and queens, to the trash collectors I often have conversations with. Just this week I've already spoken to several high level elected officials, numerous attorney, and other professionals. Strangely, I was able to hold my own and keep up, even seeming to stay on the same page. The contrast of this; I'm now a leader representing a group comprised of thousands that are considered "unskilled labor." But from what they tell me, I understand and relate to them quite well too.

Not trying to too my own horn, but truly I find it strange how can be comfortable in so many places and so many settings.

So back to the cold cruel world. For all that I've done (most of which I will never get credit or acknowledgement for), and all the people I've met, TJ's passing reminded me of something. . .

This life is thus; one day we're born, the next day were gone. The time in between the two is a mystery to all. When we're born was no choosing of our own, and usually when we die, it's likewise something we have no control of either. Birth and death, two mysteries forever intriquing to man.

I'm glad I wrote this piece. My heart and soul feels a bit of relief (this is the true reason I write folks, it's deeply selfish I admit, but it's my own self therapy). So now I will do my best to go on with my day, knowing that no matter how important anything seems, nothing is more important than life. It's bookended by birth and death, two things rarely ever predicted, and for that matter, no matter what some of you say, rarely ever planned.

My spirited is now lifted, and I shall attempt to fly, sadly, as I gain altitude, I realize, though wings I may have, I am still nothing, but a bird in a cage, bound by forces seen and unseen. Circumstances I cannot control. One of the few things in life that's mine, and truly 100% mine, and cannot be taken away from me, are my words, thoughts and ideas.

TJ's words several times made me smile, several times made me think, now thoughts of him bring sadness. But remembering the last time I saw him, there was no sadness then. So I end this smiling feeling fortunate, having met yet another great person.
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To Selena MacArthur - A PRIVATE MESSAGE IN PUBLIC

Selena MacArthur, where ever you are, if we never met again, you must know I am your father and I always loved you. When you were born, and taken away, blogs did not exist. Google didn't either. But now, oh yes now, through searches, emailed links etc., I know how quickly word gets around. I've been blessed to see my writings read by people on every continent and in every country. Since life is so short, and so often uncertain, forgive me for being public with this, but I know, no other way.

If my life should end before we ever meet, again, know this, that I always loved you. The reason we don't know each other is really quite simple. When you were a year old, your mother ran away, leaving me behind, and she never turned back. Although I've been paid, and paid quite well at times to find people who didn't want to be found, in this case, my efforts, many well documented, have only cause nothing but trouble.

Despite what people may have told you, your mother included, here is the truth. I have been arrested and placed in jail numerous times, NOT for committing any crimes, but for simply trying to find you, to be with you, and to show you my love. Even on days when the court said you were supposed to be with me, and your mother did not comply, I made the effort, found where she was hiding with you, and attempted in peace to spend time with you. For this, I was rewarded with the police being called, and my being arrested for made up lies, being charged with things that never happened.

Oh I thank God for the power of the internet. I thank God that now, TODAY, I can get out my side of the story. And though you may not read this now, and perhaps not even for years. One day, through these words, I can be at peace knowing, you'll have heard my side of the story.

Selena, there's a few more things I want to tell you for now. My life was more complicated than I ever desired. When you start to look me up and learn of me, don't settle for what you first learn. Because as I've learned as a professional investigator (your father was many things, had many skills), there's often more to a person than meets the eye. You are my child, and I'm sure you've inherited some of my traits. Perseverance and tenacity among them.

So again, do some digging, dig deep. Talk to people. Lots of people. When you talk to them, ask them who else you can talk to. Get as many different versions of the story as you can. Line it up with other facts and evidence as it were. Then from there, use your gut, your God given gut. Your Arthur/MacArthur wisdom passed on through the ages. And then, from among all the smoke and confusion, for you, the true story will emerge. And like so many mysteries I've solved with people wondering how I did, you too will have that magical feeling inside, for now, you know the truth.

I love you Selena.

P.S. Today has been hectic and I've been very emotional. Forgive me if there are any typos or errors. It's not that I don't know how to write, but I'm only human. ;-)

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